⚠️ Trigger Warning: Please Read Before Proceeding…
This piece contains graphic descriptions and personal accounts related to sexual assault, grooming, misogyny, childhood trauma, gender-based violence, and systemic abuse, particularly as they relate to the experiences of Black women.
It also references public figures currently involved in legal cases regarding abuse and trafficking.
While this writing is a powerful act of truth-telling and reclamation, it may be emotionally activating for some readers.
Please honor your body, breath, and nervous system. If you need to pause, skip, or come back later — do so with grace.
This space is for healing, not harm. You are sovereign here. You are not alone.
Ahhh…Men… and their mommy issues… and unprocessed childhood traumas.
And refusal to seek help to reconcile their wounds. Public nuisance and a literal health hazard to the well-being of women. And people wonder why single women stay single. First off, the obvious: they live longer than married women. That should be the end of the discussion alone. Yet single women are made to believe or are painted as bitter, baron spinsters. Better a spinster than saddled with dis-ease brought on by disease brought home by my man.
Spreading their trauma around like Cam Newton spreading semen to create fractured homes for future Black men to follow in Diddy and Kelly’s footsteps… or his own.
And then there’s Diddy. It has come to light that his mother, Janice Combs threw her own version of “freak off” parties when he was growing up. R. Kelly being abused as child, and he grew up to be an abuser himself.
Even though he asserts his abuse as a child had no affect on his own behavior.
Yeah, Freud would beg to differ, and so would the rest of us.
I don’t know much about Newton’s background, and couldn’t muster the effort to investigate, because why? I have seen this movie before. I have a few guesses though. But we do know that both Combs and Kelly went on to groom and abuse women – like they had been.
Let me make it clear, there is no knowledge that I am aware that Diddy was physically abused at his mothers’ parties, but he certainly was in the way of neglect. No child –– him or his friends in his mother’s charge should walk in on adults engaged in intercourse. Over-sexualiation at a young age changes you. I know.
In the book, Baby Girl: Better Known as Aaliyah author Kathy Iandoli delves into Aaliyah’s life, career and death –– and her relationship with R. Kelly, highlighting her as a survivor. The book shared that Aaliyah’s uncle Barry Hankerson discovered R. Kelly ––as previously mentioned, a sexual assault survivor himself and widely–known (alleged) functioning illiterate.
Along with other information shared in the book, I’ve concluded that Barry, who had a pre-teen Aaliyah around Kelly to “develop her talent”, may not have harmed Kelly physically, but perhaps had taken advantage of a talented, uneducated young man. Both of these young individuals were abused. So I have a hard time believing that Kelly doesn’t correlate the abuse with which he was subjected, to him in turn becoming an abuser. The cognitive dissonance is real.
One could counter that women aren’t absolved as we could simply say no, and remove ourselves from the abuse.
Can we?
How much autonomy do we really have in a patriarchial society when it really comes down to it?
A woman can get graped in a state that can still force her to have her violator’s baby.
And be jailed if she doesn’t carry the pregnancy to term, even if biological factors took precedent. How is that power? An ability to take responsibility that was never available?
Conservative lawmakers are still pushing to end no fault divorce. Which simply put, as Denise Lieberman, an adjunct professor at the Washington University School of Law in St Louis explains, “No-fault divorce is critical to the ability, particularly the ability of women, to be able to exercise autonomy in their own relationships, in their own lives.”
Partriarcy ensures that we make just enough not to have our hands out, but not enough not to need men at all.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
But Cyntonia Brown was well on her way to serving a life sentence for killing her pimp, until granted clemency after a fifteen year fight for freedom.
While that actor on that balcony only had eyes for me in that moment, the women surrounding him knew the power he wielded, and how that power could be the ticket to their big break…and keeping their lights on.
Harvey Weinstein knew his connections in the town were the only way any woman would get within 10 feet of that deformed dick of his –– coerced or otherwise.
Check out Drew Dixon’s documentary On The Record. It centers on allegations of sexual abuse and harassment against music moguls Russell Simmons and L.A. Reid. These predators know the power they wield. They, like the footballers and frat boys on my college campus, know that status and power are the reason anyone would give these weak, insecure, mommy-wounded little boys the time of day.
They keep their toys just out of reach until they get what they want…and even then, may still not share. And anyway, who is gonna believe a woman anyway? Especially with a predator at 1600 Pennsylvania?
Universal Justice, that’s who.
Baby, Babylon is falling. Even if it looks bleak, I have to –– DO believe that justice will prevail.
Case in point: At the time of this writing, L.A. Reid is now defending himself in his case against Dixon, as he has lost his legal team.
Come through Ancestors!
It’s why journalist Touré, The Predator in Ally Clothing, thought he could abuse a co-worker, then go on to speak out against men who abused women… when he was an abuser himself: Because he thought he could get away with it.
Opportunity makes the thief. He thought he could harm, no one would know and he could then turn around and cosplay as ally with his abuse going unchecked.
Nope!
Touré had the nerve to write — an exposé on how drug abuse and toxic mentorship turned Sean Combs into a sexual monster. The reporting was thorough. Detailed. Disturbing. But here’s the part that made my spirit stall: The man who wrote it is an abuser himself.
Let me say that again for the people in the back: Touré, the same man who contributed to Surviving R. Kelly, who has made a name for himself as a supposed advocate for victims and critic of power-abusing men — was accused of sexually harassing a coworker, Dani, in 2017. And the things he allegedly said to her? Graphic, repeated, and vile.
In her words, he would ask her every Monday:
“How do you look naked? Did you have sex this weekend? What would it be like to f–k you? Would I like it on your face?”
Why do men hate women SO much?!
Dani had to ask crew members to stay in the room with her just to feel safe doing her job.
When she finally reported him, he was fired, and he apologized in DMs — receipts she still has.
In her DMs? Really? Fucking coward. I can’t…
And yet, this same man went on a press tour about Weinstein. He appeared on national TV to denounce predators.
Dani later shared: “He went on Hot97 to talk about Harvey Weinstein (after he apologized). I accepted his apology and was ok to move on but, you can’t be a sexual predator and go around shaming other predators. When I saw him going around as R. Kelly’s docuseries spokesman to different radio stations, the lies had to stop.“
This is what false allyship looks like: Men who weaponize the pain of survivors for credibility, for proximity to power, for press. For a taste.
Was it that her body was calling as well, and her couldn’t resist. The crazy part is that the woman he abused is a dead ringer for his wife.
He definitely has a type. You read that right: This bastard has a whole wife AND kids –– one of whom is a daughter!
Wonder how he would react to someone asking his daughter if they could come on her face at her workplace?
Touré is not an exception. He is a type.
He’s the type of man who studies patriarchy so he can hide behind it. The type who knows exactly what to say to appear “safe.”
The type who critiques Diddy and Kelly with an accusatory finger, never once turning the pointer inward.
Let’s be clear:
Just because you write about abuse doesn’t mean you’re innocent of it.
Just because you said it on Substack doesn’t mean you’ve owned it in real life.
Touré may be good at unpacking other men’s deviance.
But he still hasn’t unpacked his own.
I will just leave this right here. The comment section was quite telling.
Sweep around your own door, sir – little s.
We have to start telling the truth: Many Black men are not just replicating patriarchy—they’re reenacting a trauma transmission system that dates back to slavery and starts with the loss of the mother.
Whether that mother was sold off the plantation, emotionally unavailable due to survival stress, or present but carrying her own generational wounds, the story is the same – boys grew up in pain, and no one showed them what to do with it. So, like the overseers who thought they weren’t enslaved because they got to carry the whip, they turned that pain on the only people they were allowed to dominate—Black women.
That’s what R. Kelly did.
That’s what Combs is on trial for.
Not just sex crimes—but patterned punishment of Black women’s bodies, all while hiding behind success, power, and brotherhood.
The GQ piece names this too: Men project their earliest loss—of safety, of maternal control, of power—onto women over and over again.
And in spaces like fraternities, that projection becomes ritualized.
Hazing, silence, complicity—those aren’t just behaviors.
They’re reenactments of slavery, of disempowerment, of rage passed down and weaponized.
So when the homey-lover froze while his frat brother smacked my ass, he wasn’t just being passive. He was caught in that loop.
That generational program where he couldn’t stand up for me because no one had ever taught him how to stand up for himself —especially not to the one who “made him.” The same man who probably hazed him, broke him, brutalized him “into” manhood.
Again — Reverence for the abuser.
This isn’t just about individual harm—it’s a larger system where masculinity has been defined by how well you can suppress, deny, and control.
And Black boys—especially fatherless ones—are often groomed into it without even knowing.
When there’s no father, the mother becomes the emotional punching bag, and later, every woman after her becomes a stand-in for the shame, the rejection, the dependence he never metabolized.
But it’s not just Black boys. During Trump 1.0, I listened to The NY TimesThe Run–Up podcast: The Trump Tapes parts one and two. They seem to be behind a paywall now, as it the episodes’ article, What We Learned From Five Hours of Trump on Tape. If you’re a subscriber to the Times or can find your way to circumvent the walls, have at it.
Here’s what I can remember:
- Mary Trump was more concerned about riding around Queens in her Rolls Royce with her “Trump” nameplate than being a mother to Donald.
- Much like JFK’s older brother, who their father picked to groom as the President but perished in a plane crash, Trump’s older commercial pilot brother was actually their father Fred’s favorite and pick to run the free world. Only the brother had no interest in politics, and instead choose aviation –– and booze and women. In fact, when the brother returned to the family compound after a failed career in aviation as a result of drinking and womanzing, instead of showing compassion for the brother who allegedly used his ties with his fraternity brother to get Donald into Wharton, he joined in with the elder Trump to make fun of his brother in hopes that it would engender him to their father and from then on be seen as the obedient, thus favorite son.
- When Trump began dating Ivana, he woo’d with with a ski weekend. In an effort to impress her, he hired a ski professional to “teach her the ropes.” Unbeknownst to Trump(nor did he ever inquire), Ivana grew up competitively skiing. Once atop the slope, she showcased her skills. Trump was allegedly so embarrassed, he angrily threw down his skis and stomped down the slopes, leaving Ivana on top of the mountain – alone, with a strange(r) man.
- After her divorce from Charles, Trump courted Princess Diana with furniture.
- Either a young Don Jr or Eric entered their father’s office after he’d come home from work. When Trump asked his son who he trusted most in the world, the boy excitedly exclaimed, “You Daddy!” Trump responded, “Ent! Wrong! You never trust anyone!”
Mind you, this child was five or six years old.
And my own take: We know Trump was shipped off to military school at thirteen.
IDGAF what nobody says, I had a vision that this is where he (ALLEGEDLY) had his first sexual experience – consensual or otherwise. My money is on the latter. In my heart of hearts, I think somebody(s) hurt that baby. And what we see today is a product of that (compounded) harm. I said what I said.
Now this Trump 2.0 sits in the Oval Office and runs the country (world) from this place of woundedness.
Kelly’s prison cries. Diddy’s court silence. Trump’s petulant outburst and revenge tactics. My Homecoming humiliation. They’re all chapters in the same book: A Study in Unhealed Masculinity.
If the problem starts with a boy’s separation from his mother, then the healing has to begin with new models of masculinity that make space for vulnerability, emotion, and accountability. Not just better fathers—but better brothers, better schools, better languages for (Black)boys to name their pain before it turns lethal.
But first, we have got to admit the truth:
Black men aren’t exempt from misogyny. And Black women aren’t responsible for absorbing it.
My body may have been existing…but calling? Depends on who’s lens from which we are looking.
Quite frankly, all the lenses should have been signaling: NO!
And if by chance my body signaled otherwise, say a yes – the autonomy to give consent is mine alone.
I should not be manipulated into affection for you…all because you haven’t dealt with your mommy shit?
Why should her (perceived) sins be my burden? And in turn yours?
It’s my body.
Can’t I make my own call?
Women are speaking up and finding ways to reclaim our bodies…even if it’s through spoken words.
You may be able to prevent abortions, but you can’t terminate the words I speak from my soul.
Some of this I have been holding in my body since I was 19.
NINETEEN.
I’ve been holding all that weight in the archives of my body, my breath, my blood memory.
Today I set it down.
For my Mama, Grandmother, Aaliyah, for Kim. For Cassie. For Drew. For everyone woman suffering or triumphantly screaming her own victories in silence or aloud.
I said what happened so my body doesn’t have to keep screaming it in silence.
I reclaim my timeline, my bloodline.
I invite men to do that same.
We are stronger together when we hold space for each other to heal.
Just like “Not ALL Men…”
We are here.
We are not your mothers.
So find a way to transform that shit before wrapping on our door…
Or come humble, ready to alchemize it together.
But I am not your teacher or mule. Or repository for you pain.
You know we are stronger together, right?
We wanna love you, not fight you. Some…MOST of us.
You have to do the work to be in partnership though.
We are here to build from a place that you have already started – together… when you are ready.
Ase, Aman Ra, Ameen.
Resources:
- Men Who Hate Women: From Incels to Pickup Artists: The Truth about Extreme Misogyny and How it Affects Us All –– Laura Bates
- Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men | Lundy Bancroft
- My Grandmother’s Hands –– Resmaa Menakem
- The Gift of Fear –– Gavin de Becker
- Men hating women: A look into the psychology of misogyny
In case you missed them, catch up on the full journey here:
Part I – Was My Body Calling, Really?!
Part II – Was My Body Calling, Really?! The Brotherhood Betrayal
This story unfolds in layers. Each part holds a truth that refused to stay buried.
💫 A Gentle Invitation Before You Go
What you just read might have stirred something. Maybe it cracked something open.
Maybe it made you remember. Or maybe it was just… a lot.
If you’re open, I want to offer you a soft landing.
A quick moment to call your energy home and bring your nervous system back to center.
Try this:
Close your eyes (if it’s safe). Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw.
Take a deep breath in… for 3 seconds.
Inhale what is yours.
Hold for 3 seconds.
Anchor into yourself.
Exhale for 3 seconds.
Release what is not yours to carry.
Place your hand on your chest or your belly.
Say, out loud or silently:
“I am here. I am safe. I return to myself now.”
“I call my energy back to me now—lovingly, gently, and fully.”
That’s it.
Take your time. Drink water. Stretch.
You’re back.
✨ Want to go deeper?
🔮 Book a Channeled Reading
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Jehan Cicely | www.awakenedasshole.com
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